The biggest problem that you’ll come across when you’ve been dumped is the sheer and staggeringly enormous number of theories you’ll come across about how to win your ex back.  The sad thing for me is that in the overwhelming majority of cases, most of the people who created these programs, or the marketers who are selling them, are making their money by getting you to play head games with your ex.  You see, when you starting messing around inside someone’s head just so that you can win her back, then it’s still going to be a shaky foundation fir moving forward on when things are patched up.  I call this the Powder Keg Theory.  If you keep lighting cigars around an exposed keg of black powder, eventually it’s going to blow up in your face.  Another name I have for it is the California Theory.  In other words, if you go around setting little tremors off in her head, eventually the Big One is going to hit and you’re going to be devastated.  I’m writing this article to help you to win her back without playing games and hopefully avoid the devastating consequences of future actions by not playing games.  I can’t help you on consequences you’ve yet to face on your past actions though.  In that case, you’d better have a really good apology ready.

Now on with the show.

You keep looking at your phone and it just won’t ring.  Back in the day, when you and she were hot and heavy, she would text you a dozen times a day or more.  Now it’s silent.  Nothing, zip, zilch, nil, nada, zero.  All quiet on the Western front.  Okay, you don’t want to overdo things here, but if you call her about once a week just to “keep in touch” then that should keep the door open toward a reconciliation.  And, while I think of it, make absolutely sure that you call her on special days like her birthday.  To the same end, sending her a card and/or a small gift wouldn’t harm your chances any either.

The other thing to do is to keep in touch by email but do it without bombarding her.  If there’s a news story she might enjoy, like an inspirational story from a 12 year old Kenyan entrepreneur, or a profile on Ashton Kutcher’s latest charity push, send it to her with a nice (and really short) note.  The only caveat I’d put on this is to try to keep the stories positive, happy stories.  If you think this might be a bit too blatant then try this trick.  Instead of just sending her an email, start a list of friends and colleagues who you regularly send jokes, inspirational messages and light-hearted/uplifting news stories.  Then, all you have to do is make sure she’s on the list and no one can claim you’ve singled her out.

Now is the time that you also have to decide whether or not you want to date other girls.  Because during the period you’re trying to win your ex back, if you’re serious about it, the situation is very rare where you want to date other girls.  It’s a very rare situation where you even want to be “seen” dating other girls.  In case you’re not following me here, DON’T DATE OTHER GIRLS.  It’s very rarely that I’ll advise someone to date someone else in this situation, and I mean very rare.  There’s a whole bunch of criteria that I have that have to be met before I’ll do it, and that’s a whole other series of articles.  Suffice it to say, if you’re serious about getting back together with your exgirlfriend, don’t date, and definitely don’t sleep around with other women either.  That last bit goes without saying but I’m saying it anyway.  I know that making your ex jealous can sometimes work, but the truth is that we want to avoid playing head games where possible simply because it is a rarity that it will serve you well in the long run.

Okay, now here’s the kicker though.  Don’t be jealous if she dates another guy.  The thing is, if she called it off, she doesn’t see it as cheating if she dates another guy.  What you can do here is use it as an opportunity for intelligence gathering.  What are the sorts of things she’s looking for in a guy?  What kind of guys is she going out with?  Find out, analyse it and apply it to yourself where you can.  As an example, let’s say you got a bit complacent in the relationship and that’s why she called things off.  The sort of guy she’s most likely to start dating is the type of guy who’s likely to be sweeping her off her feet, or at least putting some effort into getting her a few small gifts or trying new things on their dates.  Or, if you’re a particularly sensitive type of guy she may be going after the type that’s more into beer and football and you may need to take a teaspoon of cement and harden up a little if you want to win her back.

What you need to understand is that when you analyse and study the girl who broke your heart by breaking up with you, you need to be able to work out and understand just what it is she wants and needs in the man of her dreams.  The thing you need to remember here is that now you are no longer a couple that there are layers of space that are building up between the two of you.  In many ways this will actually make it easier for you by being somewhat removed from her.  You are in a situation where you are able to be more objective about seeing exactly what it is she needs in a guy because your own thoughts, feelings and needs are less at play now.  Read into what she says.  Read into what she doesn’t say.  Read between the lines and read what’s written on the wall.  When you see what it is she actually wants and needs then you can start developing that inside yourself because it is already part of you, it just hasn’t been exposed yet.

I hope you know how to play poker because the balance of power in this relationship has shifted and “détente” is now just a silly French word.  When you spill your guts about your deepest emotions to your ex then what you’re actually doing is giving her all the power.  You may as well be handing them over in a velvet lined box.  If you admit to her that she’s the one person you need in your life for the rest of your life to be happy and fulfilled, all of a sudden she’s the one who’s dictating what happens from now on.  It is, unfortunately a short step from dictator to tyrant.  If that happens, she no longer respects you because you’ve given up your own personal power so easily.  If you hold your cards close to your chest and keep a bit of a poker face, you preserve your personal power which is necessary for winning her respect and give yourself a better chance for restoring your relationship to its former glory after you win your ex back.

Now that you’re on an enforced break from her use this as an opportunity to work on yourself.  I’m serious about seeing this as an opportunity.  Every day is an opportunity to be a better man than the man you were yesterday, but now you’ve really got the time.  Work on yourself.  Work on your mind, work on your heart, work on your body, work on your hair, work on your wardrobe.  Work on yourself as a whole, not just your weaknesses.  Focus on what you do well, and do them better.  You may notice I haven’t told you to “improve yourself”.  I loathe the term “self-improvement” and I hate it for men and for women.  Whether you’re a man or a woman, your “self” is fine the way it is.  Parts of you may need educating and developing though and that’s okay.  But your “self” is enough the way it is.  You may want to work on your self-confidence, though, or shed some weight.  That’s okay.  You can do those things, because spending the time on developing yourself, making yourself healthier in your head, your heart and in your body, makes you more attractive to your ex.

The bottom line is that you can try to win your ex back by playing head games or not playing head games and get on with coming up with solutions to the problems that caused you to get dumped.  Like the old saying goes, “You’re either part of the solution or you’re part of the problem.”  The point is that when you work on solving the problems you build a more solid foundation for creating the future that you want and by working smart, you’ll be more likely to win your ex back without the head games.  Good luck.




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    Author

    G'day everyone.  I'm an Aussie Life Coach, Clinical Hypnotist (www.americanallianceofhypnotists.org)  and author with a passion for making every relationship in our lives the best it can be.   I work at local, state, national and international levels.  I am also a Callahan Techniques Thought Field Therapy practitioner trained by Eugene Piccinotti TFT - dx, and I studied Neuro Linguistic Programming Master Practitioner Level (MNLP) under Steve G Jones at the American University of Neuro-Linguistic Programming
    (http://www.aunlp.org).  In other words, as a coach, I'll use whatever I have to use to help you to make the changes you want to make.